Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I just stopped by to water my horse.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.