“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.