“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right