“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me