Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

the only bumper sticker ill allow

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂