Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Investing in beetcoin

Noted.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

How your email finds me

same but as an audience member

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

she has a point

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood