Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???