Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

is this a threat

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

barbara was highly relatable

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

The median voter