Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.