dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.