“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.