“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.