Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.