dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash