dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
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Cause of death: Zumba
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
The old gods are rising again.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
🤣
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
It will always be this
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means