dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
marvel comics have peaked
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Is this you?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”