Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.