Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Warm pools make me nervous.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.