Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]