Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!