Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Coffee for people with no kids

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.