Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

who did the taste test?

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

I’m giving up for Lent.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Can you solve the riddle??

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.