Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

I will never stop laughing at this

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020