@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

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@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@tastefactory

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

@MAngelo505

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

@LosLos__

I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that

THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!

@_ElvishPresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯