Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …


I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.


I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news


whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well


My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.


*4yo comes in from garden with worm*


*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*


“I think I have ADHD, doc”
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office


I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.