Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You Might Also Like
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
i hate the outside
i kinda miss it now
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.
*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?