I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!
Poetry is my passion
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol