I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*4yo comes in from garden with worm*
Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!
*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.