Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

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My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries


i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*


Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see


Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,


“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants


Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi


You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.


Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?