@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

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@Dadsaysjokes

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@InternetHippo

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

@MythicPicnic

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

@JCautomatic

*4yo comes in from garden with worm*

Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!

*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

@MetteAngerhofer

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.