Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”