Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.