Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
He-man has a Masters degree
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?