Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

black phone good

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

getting groceries

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

😂

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.