Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?