Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me: