Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

They did not miss in the small print

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs