Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.