Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them