Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is funnier than any friends episode

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.