Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.