Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Haha good job!!

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

I love this❤️😁👍

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Everything reminds me of my ex

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel