Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.