Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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(2022)
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.