Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Support your local cemetery
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
The pasta is now
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore