My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
this FaceApp is creepy af
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I feel like one of these would kill a European