@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

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@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

@humanaaron

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@badbanana

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@RunOldMan

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

@seanoconnz

THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK

GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here?
ME: Please don’t look at me, my shirt is off.

@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?