I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
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cop: you’re free to go
cop: go on now
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK
GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here?
ME: Please don’t look at me, my shirt is off.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I don’t make the rules sorry