Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners


Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.


Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?


If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.


[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.


Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.