Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@iwearaonesie

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@chuck_facts

Chuck Norris tries this at home.

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@MissHavisham

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.