@DaddyJew
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
@Canadian_Cutie_
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
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@DaddyJew
@humanaaron
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
@Xoolun
Cops: Jay X?
Me: Yes.
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
@badbanana
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
@AimeeHelene1
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
@noog
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
@RunOldMan
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
@seanoconnz
THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK
GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here?
ME: Please don’t look at me, my shirt is off.
@EmmaUtters
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
@tinyredbook
I don’t make the rules sorry
