Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.