Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
You Might Also Like
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
🤣✨#caturday
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What