Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken