Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.