Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.