Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Coffee for people with no kids

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup