Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.