Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.