Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

Something Saturday.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.