Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Remember to think of others this holiday season!