“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
car not found
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?