dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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LOL
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.