Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*