dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.