dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey