Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.