Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
You Might Also Like
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
😂🖐️
A male goth is called a broth.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news