Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
This line from Airplane.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri