Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

these can’t be my only options

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

#dnd #ttrpg

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Brb my Sims are getting married

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.