Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lint rolls you awake*

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

His flabber was gasted 😂

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.