Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Left at a local drug store…

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

greetings!

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

you have three unread messages

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.