Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

I basically called this earlier today

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.