Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

*puts words between two asterisks*

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”