DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
so this horse walks into a bar
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.