@KeetPotato

dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
[later]
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”

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@daemonic3

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

@muse_me_again

Just once when someone says, “Is anyone there?” in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. “What up. I’m over here. You got me.”

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.