dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”

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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri


As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.


Just once when someone says, “Is anyone there?” in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. “What up. I’m over here. You got me.”


Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.


This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.