I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too