Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.