Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

“Why you watching this shit?”

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Realize this:

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.