Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.