Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy