Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

👀

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Yup!

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.