Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

Pee pressure > peer pressure

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

True?

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

New mindset, who dis?

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?