Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Like sleeping!

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Monica just destroyed the internet

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

a god among men

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*