Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Have kids, they said
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“I’m helping” 😅
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.