Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius idea!!

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Aw man, but that’s the best part

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Passwords are more important than ever.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.