Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”