Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If you are reading this then you are reading this